I used to feel that men should love me with the same intensity that I felt I loved them, but how could they do it when they weren’t even able to love themselves? Now I realize that because it was broken, it attracted broken men, emotionally unavailable.
It hurt that the men of my life would heal me, show me the love I showed them, but it never came because I kept looking for love outside of me. I wanted to be supported, nurtured, heard and held in the arms of a man who would not treat me like I was a naughty girl. However, that was how I felt, like a little girl snuggling in the corner of the room waiting to be let out when she did things right.
I would put all my energy into trying to make it work, trying to help men heal, but I would abandon my own needs or truth in the process, because the desire to recognize or honor my own value was not as strong as it was for me. to show men their value in their potential. My mind told me things like: «If I missed you, I would have sent you a message. I guess you weren’t good enough !! or “I really didn’t love you like he said he did.”
None of my parents showed me the important life that gave emotions that I needed to have in tune with me as a child, to try to have healthy, happy and loving relationships. Instead, they gave me the tools to tolerate the lack of emotional availability, abandonment and fear of rejection, which has affected my life. It occurred to me that my relationship with my parents, or the lack of my case and all the damage it brought, would affect my adult relationships with men, I just didn’t know to what extent.
I was not raised with clear emotional boundaries or the ability to validate my own value not at the level I needed to be a strong and confident woman. I spent most of my energy feeling not good enough, not kind enough, not worthy enough. I sold myself short.
I still have a long way to go on my trip, but I will no longer sell short. I will no longer be with men who cannot and will not give me everything I deserve. I have come to know my worth much more than I have in my past, I have learned that my own love and my life must come before trying to help a man, first I need to help myself.
I will no longer deal with the fear of being rejected, the fear of not being good enough, or feeling like a little girl who can’t seem to do things right. I’m tired of repeating this same pattern in my life, I’m tired of hitting myself mentally or not taking care of myself physically due to the emotional roots of my childhood.
I am no longer content with what is within reach at the bottom of the tree, but reaching the top where the best fruits grow and finally savoring what I really deserve.